What Do You Think of my Poem?Β 

For my second year of creative writing in 4-H, I wrote a poem to present at the fair. I’ve agonized over these words for quite some time. πŸ™‚

Now, the time has come to share it with you guys! After you read the poem, I would so appreciate it if you would comment and answer one or more of the questions below. I just want to make sure it’s as good as it can be! I’ll probably keep editing it until I have to submit it, in all honesty. 😏

i smirk and survey my
sleeping foes midst this clamorous
battle plain.

these captives won’t wake while
my choice poison, apathy,
floods their veins.

one stirs. he may wake! i’ll
go softly sing to him of
selfishness. 

that dulled him and lulled him.
he’ll squander his deadened life 
dreaming on.

these sleepers have allies,
though few, who still fight us till
final breath. 

but my legions prevail, for
masses of our foes fall to
lethargy. 

one enemy encroaches.
he cries to his comrades
to waken.

they won’t hear. i scoff,
though he radiates light from the
Might i fear.

again he cries, gazing up,
pleading, appealing – a
sleeper hears!

he rises, he runs, spurns
my hisses of specious
promises.

i glower. they clasp arms,
now both emanating
their Might’s light.

  1. What do you think the poem means? 
  2. What should it be titled? I’m stuck, lol. 
  3. Did you get sharp mental pictures while reading the poem? Did any descriptions leave you without a picture? 
  4. Did any words/phrases jump out as being really good or really bad?
  5. Was anything confusing in any way?

Can’t wait to get your feedback! 

19 thoughts on “What Do You Think of my Poem?Β 

  1. This is totally amazing and packed with truth. I love it.
    I think that you wrote this poem from Satan’s perspective… I think it is a wake-up call to 1.) not let our minds be lulled into dormancy and 2.) wake others.
    At the beginning I was slightly confused, but once I realized whose perspective it was written from, it made perfect sense.
    I love the “dulled him and lulled him” phrase. That little bit of rhyme jumped out as something significant.
    Keep writing!!!
    -Laurel

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Its wonderful Shae πŸ™‚ I dont know what the proper name should be but when I write a poem or anything really I always tend to title it with a line from the post. Like for this one I would call it, “their Might’s light” Its probably not the way a true writer does it but then again I am not a true writer like yourself πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You are too kind Shae. Brilliant isnt something I get a lot LOL I picked that line because it what summed it up for me BUT you being the author you would know they line that summed it up for you. If that makes sense, and that would be the line I would pick as the title πŸ™‚ If thats the route you go πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I had a thought – what is making the clamor in the first stanza, if one side is all pretty much asleep? You do explain it in stanza 5, though. Maybe a different adjective in stanza 1. Sorry, I’m being super nitpicky. πŸ™‚ Other than that, it has come a long way – much better specific images and words.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The first time I read it, I wasn’t really getting too much of a visual. But I was also trying to understand what was going on.

    About halfway through, I realized okay the enemy is of darkness, and he is gleeful about his enemy sleeping. Then it appears Jesus comes in trying to wake the sleepers, and He is an obvious threat. Rereading the poem, totally see the connections of stanzas.

    I definitely got vibes of Screwtape, and I know you had read it recently. πŸ™‚ What I did see in my mind the first time, was mainly focused in the thoughts of the enemy, so I didn’t picture much of a battleground. But I got a sense of barrenness, and then light.

    If you want to play with more description, you could go into more detail about how the sleepers stay asleep with the poison. You do touch it with dreaming of selfishness and explain how they get pulled it. You could touch on maybe traps for new victims or how nets are laid out. (Just ideas, these are not needed as you do make your point clear)

    The victims themselves could have more description if you want. What about their appearances? Are they faded, weak, forlorn, etc?

    More landscape details. You could play with contrasting barrenness with the light/greenery. Does anything else happen with the Might figure? Lightning, power, earth-shaking, things growing, things fleeing?

    Possibly make the poem focus more on particular sleeper, as the latter part of your poem touched it on a little. Just ideas πŸ™‚

    Hmm, title? You could make a reference to Screwtape if you so desired. You could also make a reference to any scriptures relating to spiritual warfare, armor, fighting, etc. Or it’s like a reporting from darkness, as the first stanza talks about a survey. Margaret’s suggestion is lovely for title ideas. “Keep Sleepers Asleep” is my first idea for a title. The motivation of the first person.

    The Might figure crying out, originally I was reading as Might was the one who needed help, but maybe shouting, or calling out might be better? That his voice stirs the sleeper awake, that he draws them to his voice. (Sheep/Shepherd) Possibly even referring to the speaker as a wolf.

    There is a lot you COULD play with if you wanted to. πŸ™‚ Overall though, what you share makes sense. I think the wording is wonderful and deep. I suppose you could clarify the second to last stanza about what the sleeper is spurning from. You do say in the next line it is the hisses of promises, but I don’t know if an extra word might be better.

    I really like the idea of playing with the bad guy and seeing their perspective. πŸ™‚ Great job, Shae!!! Lotta of work in this! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for the suggestions! There is so much in my head that I could write about describing the setting, the sleepers, the background of the story, etc. It would be easier in prose πŸ˜‚, but I really wanted to get a clear, main point across. I’ll think about adding or changing a few words to create more visuals.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I was taken in and really liked the flow and choice of wording in the first few stanzas. I had some idea of the meaning but my thoughts were confirmed by the comments and your responses :). You write really well and I am inspired to write some more allegoric poems myself. Have you read “Hind’s Feet On High Places” (Hannah Hurnard) – it is an awesome allegory about the struggle to transform in the Christian life.

    If I could make a suggestion (but by no means feel you need to take it on board), perhaps alter the wording slightly in the stanzas marked below, as they didn’t blend in as well for me. “I scoff” and also “I glower”. Scoff could be softened to “sneer” and “they won’t hear” could be implied by less obvious wording like “their ears are closed – I sneer”. Glower could be changed to a description of the enemy’s stony face in an extra stanza preceding the last one, leaving the reader to conclude anger rather than be told.
    I liked “the Might I fear” but “Might’s light” felt a bit too rhymy and I wondered if you could say something like

    “They clasp arms,
    now both emanating
    His glorious light”

    ***they won’t hear. i scoff,
    though he radiates light from the
    Might i fear.

    ***i glower. they clasp arms,
    now both emanating
    their Might’s light.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 1. Christians are asleep in the light, immersed in selfishness and apathy, listening to the lies of the devil. A Christian comes preaching, and one awakens and joins him in walking in the strength of the Lord.
    5. I was a bit confused at first who “i” was talking about until I got to the 4th paragraph. Then I started over and got it. I’m still confused why the battle plain is “clamorous” if almost everyone is asleep.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes, that makes more sense to me. I love the allegorical thoughts you’ve put forth in this poem! It gives a warning of how we can be wasting our lives instead of serving the Lord, and the power and community to be had in waking up and going forth.

        Liked by 1 person

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